Let’s talk about peace and what that means to us. Thus far,I can say that I am finally at peace with my  life and with my decisions. There are things I fought so hard to prevent  in my life that happened anyway. And there are things I wanted so bad in my life that never came to be. Peace is a place I have found in between having and not having the things I want. The space of letting go and letting flow. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s working.

I would never have described myself as an anxious person. I thought I was “normal” or “regular”. But then I noticed that I lived my life from crisis to crisis, instead of moment to moment. Every time something good happened to me, I rejoiced, but not too much, because I immediately turned my focus on when something bad would happen to replace the goodness. I thought that if I was happy for too long or if I embraced the peace  too deeply, I would forget how to deal with crisis. I had to always stay prepared and stand guard so that the bad times never caught me off guard. I think I got it from some book I read that advised us to leave room for disappointment so that when disappointment inevitably came, it wouldn’t catch us by surprise. I took that advise to heart and  it robbed me of so much joy in my life. All along, I lived thinking that this is how life was supposed to be.

Then a few years ago, I became “sick and tired of being sick and tired”. I was mentally exhausted, broken down, broke, overweight, unhappy and bitter, about everything. I had 2 beautiful children, a wonderful career, a family that loved me and God by my side, but I still felt unlucky, betrayed and lacking. I stumbled upon an old book (I’ve always loved to read) about love, medicine and miracles, and my transformation began.

Something happens when you decide to seek healing, closure and peace in your life. All of a sudden, everything that you buried comes alive. And it’s never the good stuff, because the good stuff is easy to experience, and anyone can endure that. It’s the ugly stuff, the anger, the resentment, the shame, the bitterness. All the suppressed dirt comes bubbling up. And the temptation to bury it back is so great because you convince yourself that none of the healing is working. Mostly because we don’t like to deal with negative emotions. They make us uncomfortable and force us to face ourselves in unpleasant light. Let these feelings in anyway and allow yourself to confront them, only then will you take back your power.

I wasn’t afraid to feel any of those emotions as I rehashed all the experiences that had kept me stuck.There were sleepless nights filled with nightmares and days I didn’t want to get out of bed. But everyday I got up and showed up on life’s stage and performed, albeit poorly. On some days I spoke to my spiritual sister and that helped a lot. This woman made it okay for me to talk about things without making me feel judged. She listened as I poured out the parts I felt I could never let anyone see, and I was surprised to find out that I wasn’t alone in this. They say time heals all wounds, but that’s not the complete truth. Time only allows you the presence to work on your healing, the simple passing of time doesn’t heal anything.

Once you pour out the first layer of issues, the load gets a little lighter, and you feel a little better, and that’s how the process becomes a little easier. I hope you are brave enough to start the journey so you can truly live your best life. I’m still working on the parts of me that need disclosure, and those are many, but the freedom I have given myself has made the rest easier.