The other day, a good friend of mine asked me for a favor (for the 100th time). I have never hesitated to jump to her aid the other 99 times (not literally of course). Most of the time, I went along with it because I was too afraid to say no. Most of these times, I resented myself after because it infringed on my time or inconvenienced me in one way or the other, but my so-called friend didn’t seem to notice or care. Every time after doing  something for her, I will later complain to my beloved how bad I feel and how the next time, I wasn’t going to “take it” but the next time I would….you guessed it.. ..”take it “.

I have to admit that I’m a people pleaser, actually some researchers argue that most women are people pleasers because of our innate nature as nurturers ( I personally don’t know how true that is because I’ve met some very non-people pleasing women) . For women, it’s a subconscious conditioning since we are primary caregivers of almost everyone.

However, more research has found that the “people pleasers ” do so to their own detriment. You’ve heard it as much as I have that “we teach people how to treat us by what we accept or reject”. Had I taught this woman how to be irresponsible because she knew I would come to her rescue?. Had I unknowingly become the doormat I preach to people not to be?. How important had I made this friendship to the extent of allowing such disregard for boundaries?

So the other day when she called, my beloved happened to be standing right next to me. He gave me “the look” waiting for me to quiver with a resentful ” no problem, I’ll do it”. And so with the strength it takes to move a truck coupled with the lump stuck on my throat, I said “no”..of course it was followed by whys and a long story of why this was really important to her.I listened and once again repeated my “NO, because I can’t” no further explanation necessary.

Do you know that part of self-care is learning to say no when you should and need to?

A few reasons and pleadings later, she realized I wasn’t budging and hurried off the phone, probably to dial the next victim.

I haven’t assessed the damage to our friendship, if any, because it hasn’t been long enough, but man I felt good!. It was refreshing and liberating to finally be authentic with my actions towards our interaction.

With my new found freedom, I decided to transfer this inquiry to other parts of my life.

Do I still value myself?  What exactly does that self-value look like or mean to me?

Am I still making healthy choices physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially? Knowing that these choices don’t just affect me, they affect every one of my loved ones.

Am I confronting things I’m afraid of Or am I still sweeping uncomfortable feelings or conversations under the rug?

Am I in love or do I love this man or am I just afraid to be alone?

Am I eating because I’m hungry or because I’m bored, or depressed, or emotional?

Are my goals still the same or do I need to reevaluate and restructure?

Hearing that life is not a rehearsal shouldn’t threaten your existence but rather motivate you to strive to live your best life in all aspects…even if that means saying NO more often.

Afromomma says.