As women of a certain age, most of us, by will or chance, have had children or are mothers. So it’s really no surprise that I am surrounded by mothers like me at work. Inevitably, most of our conversations turn into children; whose kids did what? ,who’s having a baby or whose kids are all grown and everything in between.

The other day I was part of a disturbing conversation regarding someone’s newborn baby. The conversation suddenly turned into what everyone thought of the new baby…most of the ladies chimed in that the baby wasn’t cute and suddenly, grown women were calling the child ugly. I was not only hurt but also shocked. I sat there in amazement, paralyzed by what I should do or say if, anything. There was laughter all around but I was visibly silent, pretending to be busy on my computer. I didn’t want to be seen or heard as part of that cruel conversation.

Not until one of the women called me out and said “don’t you think so? the baby is kinda ugly right?”. I sat there thinking of all the times I had been too cowardly to do the right thing in the past, because I wanted to “fit in”. And then I realized that what I wanted was a sense of belonging, which is completely different from trying to “fit in”.

As kids, by around age 5, we all start to crave the company of other children. We start to either fit in or isolate ourselves. The need to belong is so strong that we might change our behavior to match that of the group, whether the behavior is positive or negative. And thus the bullies are born or the pompous athletes are birthed. Basically, the selection of cool and uncool kids begins, and sadly, adulthood does little to rectify the damage done in our childhood.

So we spend our lives compromising ourselves in order to fit in or be accepted into the coveted groups.

On this day, without batting an eye, I said “no…as a matter of fact I don’t think the baby is ugly, I think she’s beautiful, and I’m sure her mother thinks so too, I think the only ugly thing is an adult talking down on a child who has no control of what is said about her..especially knowing that the adult has children of her own that may become a point of ridicule at some point”..not verbatim, but you get the gist. I stood up and walked away as everyone stared at me.

Of course walking away I thought ” did I overreact?..they probably hate me now, did it matter?

Everyone wants to belong somewhere, but we often confuse belonging with fitting in.

Fitting in requires changing yourself in order to be accepted, no matter what that does to you as a person. Compromising your values to impress a certain person or people is often part of trying to fit into that person’s definition.

Belonging on the other hand has no prerequisites or expectations, you simply come as you are.

It has become very important for me to know who I am, what defines me and what confines me in order to fit into a certain box. Self discovery is a never ending journey and those who don’t engage in it never truly know their potential. I’m learning every day.

Afromomma says.