Most of the time, my stories are about women I admire, about women I look up to and wish to learn from. Most of these women are down-to-earth everyday people like Carrie, our lunch lady. Carrie has raised 3 well accomplished children that are her pride and joy, Carrie also makes the best sandwiches and gives the best advice, …so much so that I see her as a second mother and I hope to one day be as calm and self-assured as she is.
So the other day, as I’m picking my condiments from her cart, I casually mention to Carrie how young she looks, in my estimation, she should be in her early 40s, she laughs and tells me she is well over 50.
Not that 50 is old, …heck, we’re all moving towards it faster than we want to.

To make small talk, I remark and say “wow you and your husband must be very proud to have all your kids doing so well”. She smiles broadly and tells me that her and her EX-husband do not speak and she’s not only proud of her children but proud of herself “.

p.s, she put the emphasis on the EX, not me * insert shrug*
Although ethnically different, Carrie and I have swapped stories on our cultural influences and we identified many similarities. From a culture very much like mine, she got married when she was supposed to (read early 20’s), stayed at home, became a mother and raised her kids, while her husband… who was very professionally accomplished from what she described,…. climbed the career ladder and provided their family needs.
Nothing wrong with that, in fact, I admire any family that has a dynamic that works for them….
but ..p.s, the 2 years I stayed at home with my kids were the most challenging in my adult life,  I struggled more than I thoughtI would,  maybe because I was unprepared for the psychological impact…and you know what, that’s ok too, I don’t love my children any less.When I finally went back to work, I felt like I had failed at motherhood. I mean…what mother doesn’t want to spend every waking moment with their child?, what kind of mother longs to get back to the hustle and grind of the corporate world instead of baking cookies and maintaining a spotless home…..I’m the kind.I’m the guilt-ridden one that enjoys the best of both worlds now….

So we continue with the chit chat and I assume she must’ve enjoyed homemaking because her sandwiches are heavenly. So I tell her how lucky she is to be doing what she loves and is good at. Carrie looks at me and point blank tells me that she doesn’t do it because she loves it, she does it because it’s all she knows how to do…( I doubt that, I’ve seen pictures of her home)..Carrie commences to say she loves coming to work because she loves being around women like me, women who are so accomplished, smart and self-confident…Carrie says it makes her feel like she’s part of it, because it’s something she always longed for but could never be due to lack of support.
You can imagine my surprise looking at this woman who I’d always admired telling me she would’ve loved to be like me!!
All this time, most of us had told her how lucky she was to have stayed at home and raised her kids, something we felt we were missing out on.
So I asked her what she would’ve loved to be doing, “what are your hobbies?”. Carrie tells me she doesn’t know, she’s not sure what she likes.
Now, ….as a woman who is self-indulgent in everything about life, I find that astounding, how is it possible that you’d go through life never having a hobby? Never knowing whether what you do is out of duty or because you enjoy it?

Carrie says most of her life has revolved around raising her children and being what her husband needed since he was the provider….she was raised to have dreams involving wifehood and motherhood, but none for herself….So I prod her further to ask if she ever tried to talk about it, but anyone who has attempted to change the dynamics of a relationship knows how difficult that is.
It’s in this moment that I grasp how incredibly lucky I am to be living some of my dreams…I couldn’t imagine giving that up…but I understand her position….as women, most of us feel that we’re born to live a predictable pattern….only a few brave ones dare to deviate from it because of the pressure we put on ourselves to portray a certain image….an image that is acceptable to society. And when that image doesn’t meet the standards, or we alter the image to suit us, we get judged and ridiculed….no, not by men, but by our fellow women who feel slighted by our audacity to want something else.
Carrie feels that the closest she can come to feeling like what she always wanted is to surround herself with the kind of women who are….
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to be yourself and I applaud her for having the courage to pursue another life. I have to clarify that her marriage was abusive, but she stuck around because her family urged her to stay, for the kids ( familiar?)…

The decision to either stay or leave has no bearing on the strength of a woman because really and truly, we all have different levels of tolerance.
We unknowingly applaud the ones who stay in abusive situations because we say they’re strong, we admire and call them real women for managing to keep their lives or their marriages together for the sake of the kids.
Because truth be told, when a woman’s family breaks up, she blames herself more than anything or anyone else. I’ve spoken to some who felt like they must’ve done something to make the man abusive or unfaithful.
So often the self-punishement the woman endures from walking away from an unhealthy relationship is worse than any societal pressure.

It’s daunting to hear Carrie confess she might have hobbies but she’s unsure of what they are because she never had time to find out. But I tell her she has time now…and she says “I know, but I don’t know where to start ”

I don’t know what to say,…I look at her wheeling her cart to the next station and I’m filled with a sense of uncertainty….I re-evaluate my life and wonder whether I’m making the right choice by burning both ends of the candle on motherhood and career…but at the same time, I sigh with gratitude for having the option to choose, to have the best of both worlds.
I made a lousy stay-at-home mom, but I have friends who are amazing at it….I find my best self when I’ve dabbled in my work and come home to a long weekend with the babies.
Long story short, find your niche (home, work or both) and carve out a life you can live with, there’s no manual to this thing..we’re all just winging it and pretending that we’ve found the pot of gold.
Let me go and give my kids a hug,… just because.
Afromomma says.