It’s one of those moments that are good for anyone…it happened last month, I lost someone very close to me…I found out in the worst way possible…when someone else posted on Facebook!!…I was shattered…utterly undone. …
I was born on July 1st, I’m as cancerian as they come, if you’re into astrology or that kind of thing..that means,I’m very emotional ,which I despise..I cry a lot, over almost everything, again, despicable😩..I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m angry, shiiii!, I cry when anything sways me to extremes 🤦🏿‍♀️…and the more I try not to cry, the more the tears flow freely…and lately, it seems like they’ve been nonstop…from the killings of black families everywhere, to the injustices everywhere, and the constant barrage of videos of racists and hatred fueled posts..to the videos of people overcoming, children being born, fighters winning, survivors thriving, lovers loving and good prevailing, my poor heart has had no break…is this life? is this the roller-coaster we’re riding until dawn?….
Oh and incase you can’t tell, I’m an overthinker.

I remember when one of my Exes told me that he hated when I cried because he felt it was manipulative…fast forward years later I was talking to him and he burst into tears, it took everything in me not to ask who he was trying to manipulate (side note, let Exes stay in the past 😂).

Back to my story, ….a few days ago, I finally reached a breakthrough…I called my best friend, expressed my pain and hurt in a “brave” way, even though I wanted to scream in tears…I hang up the phone got the kids in the car for school drop offs before I headed to work. My heart was heavy,…I felt like something was choking me, so I sat in the parking lot at work for another hour, …breathing…..and feeling….( God bless tinted windows 🙌🏿)…then it occurred to me….I realized that I have been trying to resist what comes naturally with life…I’ve been trying to be strong and sane and push through and stay positive…even as life delivers me punch after punch.

I realized that as a natural caretaker, a nurturer, I’ve been trying to make sure everyone around me is okay, but ignoring my inner child.I have been speaking to that child harshly forcing her to grow up and stop crying. It’s a cultural thing really….too much emotion is a sign of weakness, a sign that you can’t handle “life” and lets face it…you can’t be trusted. I have fought so hard to be tough, handle “life” and be trustworthy…by stifling the emotions, by hardening my heart, being “strong” and “pushing through “.

This is the point where I tell my brothers and sisters to get therapy….I mean, we do a lot “for tha culture”. We dance, we sing, we achieve, we excel…physically..for the culture…but mentally, we’re beaten, bruised and injured…and most of us don’t know it. Most of us don’t believe that we can pray and still go to therapy.

Imagine my liberation, when I found out that I wasn’t a weak untrustworthy person who couldn’t handle her emotions..the relief…phew!

So I let it out…I came home in the evening and got in the shower….then something happened, I lingered a little longer, and out of the blue, I cried…I’m not talking about quiet cries, I’m talking bawling…the body shakes and heaves type ..the shaking and making ugly faces cry, the cry that lets snort run down your nose unencumbered…..and when I was finally done..I felt like a weight had been lifted…I felt lighter and open…I called my good friend and told her…but even before I could finish telling her why I called, she noticed… “you sound so chill, are you ok?”.

I was ok, I had let my inner child feel. I had allowed her to cry.

I know I still have a lot of work to do, I might even try something else soon, like waking up earlier than anyone and sitting in my yard…but for now….crying helped.
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So ladies and gentlemen, cry a little..or a lot…sometimes what can’t be said in words comes out in salty water running down your face.
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And every now and then, for no particular reason, I still cry.